This is exactly one of those weeks where I want God to teach me the deeper lesson and I genuinely want to learn it, but I have little desire to endure the harsh reality and stretching that ensues. Search my heart and know my anxious ways. Turns out I have quite a lot of them. Trust in the Lord, with all my heart. Seems impossible. Lean not on my own understanding. Trusting in my own reasoning is the only thing that feels normal. I use the excuse of my genetic make-up, personality type, and natural tendencies.
I know that God can. My problem is trusting Him when he doesn’t. I see only my own tiny tile in the mosaic of our existence. I’m just a chip, a fragment, a speck of reflective material. I start thinking about all the things that I need to do to make my will happen instead of submitting to His. At least every other prayer of mine used to be show me Your way. Despite my good intentions, I wanted to know each step of His will before I had made up my mind to follow it. I would trust in Him, but only if it lined up with what I deemed best.
I find myself asking this week what my trust in God means right now. Do I trust that He is sovereign? Do I trust that he is present? More importantly, do I trust that He is good? Do I trust Him with my daily decisions instead of just the big ones? Do I trust that He isn’t too busy to care? What does that trust mean the day after my prayer goes unanswered in a big way? What does it mean when it comes to more than reciting words?
Trust is an action. So many times, I lazily file it away with my intentions, right next to acknowledgement. And when I do act on my trust in God, I still tend to direct my own paths and pretend I can drag God along with me, as needed, like a cane or a crutch to lean on when I’m tired or in need.
I find it interesting that Proverbs 3:5-6 tells me to trust in God with all my heart and to lean not on my own understanding; a concept so important it needs to be stated twice. Lean away from myself and into God. Stop seeking my own solutions and filter the day in front of me through the Word.
Lean in. An action resulting from both expectation and necessity. We lean into the wind to keep our balance, trusting that it will not relent. We lean back into a chair with a release of tension, certain of its embrace. We lean into a kiss, sure that we will be met with vulnerability and desire on the other side. We lean on the shoulders of others, knowing they will support the weight that our injured limbs no longer can.
Leaning ends in submission. And submission is the first action. He promises the rest will follow. Verse after verse throughout his Word, He promises this. He makes my path straight. He makes the way clear. How much heartache could have I saved myself if I had not stubbornly continued at some right angle onto my own paths and suffered for it? Lord, help me to take refuge in You and your Word, under the shadow of your Spirit. Help me to lean it each moment of each day.
Today matters. Right now matters. Today sets my options and my trajectory for tomorrow. “Destiny is not a mystery. For better or worse, your destiny is the result of your daily decisions and defining decisions.” (Mark Batterson: The Circle Maker).
Direction, not intention determines my destination. And my submission precedes my direction.1